GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
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*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS