“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
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When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Huge, if true.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.