I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
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My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.