[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
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Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet