1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
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Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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.
.
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By the pound.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.