Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
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The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!