I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
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I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
how much for the angry fruit?
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.