I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
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[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re