When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
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That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Wikigenius
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.