[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
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I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Money is the root of all wealth
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.