*visits random websites just for the cookies*
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I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
one last job
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.