I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
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How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face