My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
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Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother