Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
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What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
[shakes fist at other fist]
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY