This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
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the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
🤣🤣🤣
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over