a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
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I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.