Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
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Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.