My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
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If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Don’t tell me what to do
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky