I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
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A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Whoa… oh I see lol
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.