Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
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[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Well, that should do it
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!