Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
You Might Also Like
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.