People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
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Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
okay run it by me one more time
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”