Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
You Might Also Like
#have a #great #PancakeDay
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
me working on my assignments ^-^