[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
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*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.