I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
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Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
shut up and take my money
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.