“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
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I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…