First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
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No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
I’m listening
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED