You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
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Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs