[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
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Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt