*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
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Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
That’s no pocket rocket.