I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
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They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.