True dat! ππππ
You Might Also Like
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
βChildren are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.β
– John F. Kennedy
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
If Iβm at your house and youβve got a grocery list on the fridge, Iβm adding stuff to it and not telling you
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. Heβs earned it
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
π€
uncle dave has been through hell
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing cluβ
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: β¦
me: dress me like a beekeeper
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Them: Youβre a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think Iβm hot?
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
My son just called his mom an βinterrupting chickenβ so Iβm real keen to see how this plays out
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when heβs on the toilet or if itβs a one way street
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ π€£
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just donβt understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever