‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
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[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.