[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
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“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
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volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”