Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
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Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
I get distracted pretty eas
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
I gave up going to work for lent.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.