Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
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Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station