Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
You Might Also Like
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day