Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
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You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.