If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
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I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“