I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
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I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.