My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
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My spirit animal is fried chicken
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
how to have fun when you’re poor
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
This meeting could have been a cake
Eating wings is the opposite of flying