be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
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I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
eggs benadryl
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.