no cat here
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*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.