I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
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me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.