The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
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She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.