My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
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Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.