Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
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i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.