My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
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When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
I’m going to need a moment here.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.