[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
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ibopfufen
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂