Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
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[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?